Robert drives an old Honda and Robert needs to get a new car. Specifically, Robert needs a Corvette. And not just any Corvette will do. Robert needs a red corvette. But Robert needs to refrain from singing or humming the Prince song because this is not about Prince. It’s about Robert. And his red corvette, or at least the one he is going to buy once he realizes he needs to overcome his shame from driving that beat-up Honda. Come on man. Get with the program. This is what Robert needs to do.
John needs a clue. Specifically, John needs a copy of the game Clue, the classic board game where you have to guess whodunnit. That is definitely what John needs. John could also use a Ferrari, but really he’d be very happy with a game of Clue. Because he is secretly in love with Colonel Mustard. That is a long and sad story that we will not tell here, but John will be happy and his needs will be met if he can get his hands on a copy of Clue. We’re talking about the original game and not any of the remakes or Clue Jr. Really, come on! OK John, now you know what you need so go for it.
What Elden needs is a big knife. A very big knife. The kind that is very long and sharp with lots of jaggy pointy things. Pity poor Elden for he is hunting the elusive Froobicklesnarg, a hideous beast with dark green eyes and breath that could kill a man from twenty yards away. Elden is brave and a little stupid but he will hunt this beast until his needs are met and he is either victorious, dead, or very bored and eager to visit a small village in Zambia. That is really what Elden needs to do. And go to the bathroom.
What James really needs is love. True love. Not some fake lame love you buy in the store and give to a stranger who whispers of his own needs in the dark, lonely night. These are not good needs for James at all. Like a lonely soldier in the dark wasteland of a long-forgotten battle, James needs the courage and strength that comes only from love. James also needs some more cash and a nice house but that is another story for another time and place.
Matt needs peace, love, happiness and lots of rainbows. These are the things that Matt needs. Matt is a smart guy and knows how to go out into the big world and get the things he needs. Go, Matt, go. Become one with the world and get your needs now. I would feel very sorry for Matt if he cannot get these things that he needs but that is a problem for Matt and not for me. Well, enough is enough with that I think.